Trust

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Trust.

A correlation between two beings;

Putting one’s heart in another’s hands,

Giving them every sense of control to either crush it or to cradle it.

That one day that person would hold onto your hand tightly,

As how you had when they were in their lowest point.

That one day when you wake up from nightmares,

They would be a call away like they said they would.

When you let go knowing they would fall with you,

And catch you before it hurts.

Trust.

It was more than just an emotion;

A force that took the air out from my lungs when you decided to toss it away.

That one day came and went,

Till there was nothing left to be broken.

That whirlwind of uncertainties,

Of whether those hands wanting to hold to yours was ever real.

Because it could only be of an illusion,

To cut your heart off your sleeve.

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About us . . .

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I just want it to make sense.

Something about us, what we were…what we are.

You see the world as I do, or I guess I should say that you and I see the world as it is.

What’s the point of life? Simply to see what comes next.

And I guess that’s how you and I function as a whole. We’ve never had a definite plan, we’ve never known for sure- you watch what I always unexpectedly do, and I end up finding you in all of the unexpected places. I walk against the herd because I’ve known nothing else… do you watch me so closely you always know where to put yourself?

Or am I unconsciously always walking to you?

You call me pretty and smart. But I’m not curious about the things anyone can easily name off… I want to know why you take the sting of my witty words and creative mind. I want to know why you watch me go against the world and you find a way to place yourself in my path.

There may only be one other person in this world that understands you better than I do, and I think that’s why I have such a desire to break you open and pick you apart. I want to see all the light that surrounds you, and I want to understand the darkness that seeps within you. You don’t understand this world the way you and I do, without having darkness. 

Somehow, even with hundreds of miles, to a couple of feet, you seem to seep into my mind easier than the darkness I know. I don’t understand it. I have perfect people in my life, I have happy people in my life, yet I am drawn to you regardless of how I feel and what I do.

I always wanted us to have a happy ending, but I can’t place if you are a blessing or a curse to me. I can’t decide which one would be worse. 

I don’t play pretend

​It was your decision to leave. Looking back on it, yes, it was a good one, but at the time I thought you were right for me. At the time, I thought you would be apart of my future, but apparently my crystal ball was broken.

And now, now that a decent amount of time has passed since you made up your mind, since you decided that I wasn’t the girl you wanted in your life romantically, since you asked me if I would stay in your life otherwise, simply as a friend, because even though you chose to leave, my laugh still made you smile, and my presence still gave you comfort, but it wasn’t love for you, it wasn’t love for either of us, you just made the realization first.

And back then I didn’t want to be your friend.

It was never friendship with you, it was delirious lust, it was almost love, not the real thing.

It was sex that wasn’t meaningful, it was conversations that never delved deeper than their surface, it was a relationship I attempted to hold onto because I wanted it to be real. But my relationship with you was as fake as the dreams you show me. It was only as real as you allowed me to believe it was.

So when you asked me if we could still be friends, if we could still be apart of each other’s lives, were you surprised when I said no? You thought it was because I was being spiteful, didn’t you? You thought it was me saying, “If you can’t have me as your girlfriend, then you can’t have my friendship either.”

But my spite for you isn’t as strong as the love I have for myself. 

Because we were never friends, we didn’t start that way, and we won’t end that way.

You pursued me with no intent of friendship, so why pretend like you want it from me now? When you ask if we can still be friends, are you asking to make yourself feel better? Are you asking to ease the pain you think you’re causing? Yes, when you left I thought my heart was broken, but I let you leave as easily as I let you in, and that’s because when you asked if I could still be in your life, I realized I didn’t want you in mine.

So please, I don’t want a friendship that is feigned.

I don’t want a friendship that is founded on rejection, because if I were to agree to be your friend, if I were to give you what you asked for, I’d be feeding myself the same lies you fed me.

And that’s the difference between us both. I’m not going to pretend like friendship is something I want with you. I’m not going to care if you think it means I’m immature, selfish, or sour. The truth is, I don’t play pretend, so let’s stop acting like friendship is our remedy. Our friendship would’ve meant as much as whatever you’d like to call it that we had which didn’t last.

Every friendship that I have in my life is real. Real friendship, real love, that’s what I want, that’s what I have, and it isn’t, nor ever will be, with you.