I don’t play pretend

It was your decision to leave. Looking back on it, yes, it was a good one, but at the time I thought you were right for me. At the time, I thought you would be apart of my future, but apparently my crystal ball was broken.

And now, now that a decent amount of time has passed since you made up your mind, since you decided that I wasn’t the girl you wanted in your life romantically, since you asked me if I would stay in your life otherwise, simply as a friend, because even though you chose to leave, my laugh still made you smile, and my presence still gave you comfort, but it wasn’t love for you, it wasn’t love for either of us, you just made the realization first.

And back then I didn’t want to be your friend.

It was never friendship with you, it was delirious lust, it was almost love, not the real thing.

It was sex that wasn’t meaningful, it was conversations that never delved deeper than their surface, it was a relationship I attempted to hold onto because I wanted it to be real. But my relationship with you was as fake as the dreams you show me. It was only as real as you allowed me to believe it was.

So when you asked me if we could still be friends, if we could still be apart of each other’s lives, were you surprised when I said no? You thought it was because I was being spiteful, didn’t you? You thought it was me saying, “If you can’t have me as your girlfriend, then you can’t have my friendship either.”

But my spite for you isn’t as strong as the love I have for myself. 

Because we were never friends, we didn’t start that way, and we won’t end that way.

You pursued me with no intent of friendship, so why pretend like you want it from me now? When you ask if we can still be friends, are you asking to make yourself feel better? Are you asking to ease the pain you think you’re causing? Yes, when you left I thought my heart was broken, but I let you leave as easily as I let you in, and that’s because when you asked if I could still be in your life, I realized I didn’t want you in mine.

So please, I don’t want a friendship that is feigned.

I don’t want a friendship that is founded on rejection, because if I were to agree to be your friend, if I were to give you what you asked for, I’d be feeding myself the same lies you fed me.

And that’s the difference between us both. I’m not going to pretend like friendship is something I want with you. I’m not going to care if you think it means I’m immature, selfish, or sour. The truth is, I don’t play pretend, so let’s stop acting like friendship is our remedy. Our friendship would’ve meant as much as whatever you’d like to call it that we had which didn’t last.

Every friendship that I have in my life is real. Real friendship, real love, that’s what I want, that’s what I have, and it isn’t, nor ever will be, with you. 

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8 thoughts on “I don’t play pretend

  1. Well said and verbalizes all the reasons I have always said “No” to the friendship deal after rejection. I have been told although I feel alone that I remain authentic and to never lose the real me. This helps me confirm my feelings on what seems to be most men’s way of dealing with guilt and needing a backup in case his latest option fails.

    Liked by 1 person

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